I like universalism

by Andrea Elizabeth

The Bible when it talks about unbelievers suffering. What I experience though is that believing brings suffering. The separation seems more painful for me than for them. Theosis for me is worshiping with everyone*. I am not very interested in levitating by myself, though I used to be. Perhaps it was when I was interested in private glowing that I blew my witness.

Therefore since I blew it, it is not their fault. Since it is my fault God will not punish them. He will raise them up in the last day and they will remain happy. Will I be happy? Once I see them settled in a place of brightness and refreshment I think I may be. How is that not universalism? I bear their suffering so that God’s rightness maintains its consequences. How is that not thinking too much of one’s self? I grew up believing that I alone am responsible for everything. I can’t help it. Separating myself has been a break from this and a denial of who I am. Could I be in delusion? The thought of this separates me from everyone and again seems like denial. If one feels essentially connected and bonded and affected by the experiences of others, this cannot just be wished away. So either I go to hell with them or they go to heaven with me. I also feel connected to God so where he is there I also will be. Will everyone eventually worship with me? Maybe not. Is hell having lots of people visible happily doing their thing outside the Church window? There’s not supposed to be suffering in heaven. Perhaps part of my hell is thinking it’s not ok for them to be out there. What if it is? What if God is still happy with them? But what about all the rejection passages? I can only handle those if it’s my fault. Then I have some level of control. Is anything out of my control? Only pre-fall creation. Did I cause the fall? Yes, let it be on me. I tempted not only Adam but Eve too. Push me out and let them back in. “Let God relieve you of that burden”, you say. No. I wont separate myself from them and let them slip into the outer darkness. What if I reject God by demanding that? Not my will but thine be done. What was His will? That Christ suffer for all and destroy death.

*not that I like crowds. I would like lots of small churches in rural areas where people aren’t sardined together.

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