Where does badness come from

by Andrea Elizabeth

“Bad people aren’t born, they’re made.”

“A broken heart can make you do unspeakable things.”

- Once Upon a Time, last night’s episode.

Once your broken heart has somewhat left you alone, then you can start to think about the other people’s hearts you have broken – the children you have let down. Lord have mercy. I think of this in a top down way. Children aren’t responsible for their parents’ hearts, and I don’t think women are responsible for men’s hearts. That doesn’t mean women can’t break men’s hearts and children can’t break their parents’. But the responsibility isn’t theirs. Seems to me parents and men need to look deeper at why it happened backwards like that. Did they do something to cause it?  Was there too much unrealistic expectation in the first place? This is also not to say that men and parents shouldn’t expect anything from their wives and children. Nor that if they don’t get from them what is proper that it is always their own fault. I just think it’s safer to assume that it is. Even if it isn’t, if you love your children or your wife, you don’t want them shouldered with the blame.

Misconceptions

by Andrea Elizabeth

The most troubling statement in the secretary of health and human services, Kathleen Sebelius’ defense of Obama’s new requirement that employers provide birth control coverage is that ‘birth control is necessary for women’s health’. This is an overreaching statement. If it is necessary for some women’s health, it is going too far to say it is necessary for women’s health in general. Pharmaceutical birth control has been around for less than 100 years, so how can it be necessary? The idea that consequence-less sex is a right for every woman regardless of age or marital status is a misconception only held since the ’60′s.

One of the best explanations about the difference between liberals and conservatives is brought out in Bill Moyer’s interview: “How Do Conservatives and Liberals See the World“. Social psychologist Jonathan Haidt cautions against vilification of the other side, but also points out what is necessary for humanity – rules, clarity, consequences, and stability.

Bleak House

by Andrea Elizabeth

During the drive to the S. Tx borderland we listened to some of Charles Dickens’ Bleak House. I’m mostly enjoying the parts about Lady Dedlock as they seem realistically cause and effect. Esther is a little too perfect, as most of Dickens’ heroines are. At least he talks about her not having “real” reactions to things, since she’s not really been allowed to. But the scathing critiques of the missionary mothers and the deportment father are painful for me to hear. He goes on and on about how completely ridiculous, harsh, or neglectful of their kids they are, and how their kids either secretly hate them or stupidly believe in them. I don’t doubt in the least that such relationships exist, but the descriptions are too one-sided, the cause is not explained, and are too angry and intent on embarrassment. To present the other side, it seems that Dickens himself suffered under an irresponsible parent, and I wonder if his father escaped blame by being overbearingly charming and irresponsibly generous. One way to deal with the anger in such a relationship is to make them look bad in public through fictionalized accounts. If this is wrong to do, I think the merciful thing would be to quote the Scripture about fathers provoking their children to anger and woe to them that make children stumble. Lord have mercy.

Impending empty nest

by Andrea Elizabeth

(Warning, I am about to indulge my slightly suppressed morbid side.)

I did not know if I was going to return safely from a weekend trip to the Rio Grand River Valley to attend a special person’s wedding reception and to commemorate her special sister’s college graduation. The reason for this premonition was that I tied up my loose ends before I left.  I sent back the kids’ home-school videos, sent off newly gf’d summer California son’s 21st birthday package containing 10yo daughter’s self sufficiently made cookies, sent off 16yo daughter’s first Etsy delivery, and 20yo son’s interview thank-you note which will hopefully make him more self-sufficient, brought along the newly careered college graduate 22yo son, left behind the soon to be surgically corrected, soon to be driving, 17yo son with his capable father, and feel that I have left the only Orthodox parish I have ever belonged to these 7 years (though a new home could be on the horizon). My work on this earth seemed finished. But as with all my near death experiences, not that anything happened this time but it could have!, I wake up and feel that there must be some reason I’m still alive, unworthy though I be. Maybe I’m learning detachment. On the way home I read a couple of pages from St. Maximus’ Four Hundred Chapters on Love. From the Second Century:

1. The one who truly loves God also prays completely undistracted, and the one who prays completely undistracted also truly loves God. But the one who has his mind fixed on any earthly things does not pray undistracted, therefore the one who has his mind tied to any earthly thing does not love God.

10. If you hate some people and some you neither love nor hate, while others you love only moderately and still others you love very much, know from this inequality that you are far from perfect love, which lays down that you must love everyone equally.

Tangled and Grey Gardens

by Andrea Elizabeth

Continuing with meaning and doors. Tangled is worthwhile, imo. It is probably the most Disney World of all the movies, but there was insightful character portrayal of “mother seduction” mixed with undermining (which I read about after watching Grey Gardens. Here’s another article on it. btw not for children.) that can lead to daughters developing Borderline Personality Disorder, or to at least have the angst which is so well portrayed in Tangled. Some may also say it’s a critique of over-protection or even homeschooling. Not too long ago I would have gotten defensive over the homeschooling part, but I think the problems in the relationship have more to do with mother-seduction and undermining and would happen whether the child went to public school or not. Edie Beale (Grey Gardens) went to school, except for the year or two she was kept at home. One would have to vilify cloistering in general to make that claim, which I think is too simplistic. See St. Macrina and her mother for a more positive example. Over-vilification of the outside world is also the problem, which leads me to the doors.

There was a symbolic scene in Rapunzel’s tower where she paints over the only religious symbol in her room. What she replaced it with was a worthy symbol of human communion, but the message is that true human love is the only thing you can count on, not God. Additionally, there is also a message that scary people in bars, the other doors, are the true saviors. I can’t help but think that is just wishful thinking. I remember in my rebellious years thinking that the “lower sort” were more real and true than Christians, but they turned out to bite me too. You really can’t put your faith in a type of person. I almost said, ‘don’t trust in princes or the sons of men’, and that is true, but I trust and need George so I can’t really make a blanket, unqualified statement like that.

Fascinating women

by Andrea Elizabeth

I have spent less than 5 minutes on Barbara Walters’ Most Fascinating People of 2010 this year (except for watching a couple Sandra Bullock movies and her Academy Awards drama), but since I used to spend more time on them, I found it interesting, if not fascinating, to hear their philosophies.

I know there is a lot to criticize about Oprah Winfrey’s vague concepts of God and traditional Christian values, but her genuineness, kindness, and generosity are compelling. She said her life’s goal is for God to completely use her up, and she devotes a lot of energy outward to that end. So much energy that she said she could not do justice to child-rearing, so she has chosen not to. Instead she gives millions of presents and dollars to children, and has established a girls’ school in Africa. Barbara Walters is more conflicted about this as she did have a daughter, but said that her daughter suffered from her devotion to her job. When I hear of this rationale or those related to it like the ones for not having lots and lots of kids, I think, wouldn’t the child be glad for their life, even if it did involve the pain of some sort of neglect? Some people end up wishing they’d never been born however.

Oprah has also chosen not to get married to Stedman, with whom she still lives. She said their marriage would not have survived as well as these arrangements have because of increased expectations. I don’t really get that. I would think living in sin would be harder on a relationship, but perhaps forbidden fruit is more appealing. She doesn’t seem to worry about sin much, as she’s got her own code. Homosexuality is ok, but lying isn’t. Too independent for me.

And why should people want to get married when you hear what happened to Sandra Bullock? Yikes. She is still going to adopt a child at least. There’s a big difference between being a benefactor and a parent. One is giving your resources, one is giving yourself. With all of Oprah’s generosity, I think she’s holding back.

Sarah Palin. Her obsession with the media distracts her from talking about the content of her views. I can’t tell what’s beneath because she’s so focused on her beautiful hockey-mom image. I probably agree with a lot of her values, but Bristol’s pregnancy and Dancing with the Stars calls that to question. I think she could have redeemed some of her credibility if she had been more forthright about how her grandchild happened because she was in Juneau instead of Wasilla. She’s too concerned with appearing supportive of Bristol for that. Again, the image.

Palin looked a little skittish when Todd was brought out. She seems bored with him and gives the impression she wants him to disappear so that she can mix it up with the boys. I didn’t like the look in her eye when she was on stage with our Governor Rick Perry recently. That ticket would be way too Barbie and Ken. Her last words in the interview were that she is faithful. I believe her, but I think she needs to rest in Todd’s kindness a bit more.

Chesterton’s View of Women

by Andrea Elizabeth

The first thing I underlined in The Man Who Was Thursday by G. K. Chesterton was in the opening discussion between the two orators regarding the merits of chaos vs. order. I thought he did a pretty good job of dispelling the attractiveness of unpredictability and in promoting the magical quality of consistency. A person can magically make Victoria Station appear just by getting on the train slated for that destination. It’s a miracle. An argument for liturgy instead of spontaneous worship could also probably be made.

The second thing I underlined was, “She was looking at him from under level brows; her face was grave and open, and there had fallen upon it the shadow of that unreasoning responsibility which is at the bottom of the most frivolous woman, the maternal watch which is as old as the world.” (Of course as was brought out two posts ago, Chesterton may not actually believe this, but then I would feel like he’s playing games.) I have a very mixed reaction to this. The stereotypical words, ‘unreasoning and frivolous’, make me quite defensive. If this is a broadly true characterization, it makes me wonder if some imposed as well as self-fulfilling prophecies are at work. ‘Maternal responsibility’ may be a more intrinsic characterization. Much has been said about the need of mothers to let go of their children at a certain age and capability. The need for this advice implies that women are loathe to do so. If I did not have so many kids I may be loather, but I’m tired, so I hope they make their way swiftly and well, and independently. I also feel very keenly the need to do my job well in the 20 or so years per child I have to do it so that they will be equipped to leave the nest.

Much has also been said critically about marriage relationship where the woman mothers the husband, and the phenomenon of immature men in our society. The DVD Demographic Winter talks about this trend of men choosing video games and other playful activities over mature relationships with women. They say this has lead to the ominous population decline. (See also Archbishop Lazars warning that with current fertility rates, the world will soon be taken over by Muslims.) I think women really don’t want to have to mother men and for that reason are increasingly choosing to live alone without husband or children, if Demographic Winter‘s statistics are to be believed. If women are to be defined as predominantly maternal, why aren’t men characterized as predominantly paternal? I think it is believed that men have more compartmentalized lives. They are not as typically absorbed in child-rearing as women are. And patriarchal societies, which have become out of vogue, are seen to be despotic, tyranical and abusive; and the women mindless and childlike.

I think women want more of a partnership. Not to be the boss, though with immature men they will assume this role and become cranky, because we are not meant to bear the burden of responsibility for the family alone. I don’t think men are either.

So is the answer that both men and women can compartmentalize their parental “sides” with their career, entertainment and social sides equally? Taking turns as it were? I don’t think so. I think kids should come first to both parents and all else becomes gravy that may perhaps be squeezed in, God-willing, only after the kids are taken care of, which really doesn’t leave that much time during the child-rearing years. If people will just commit themselves to not having a life for this period of time, then maybe they will be able to rest upon retirement. Otherwise they will end up also raising their grandchildren, or will have no grandchildren at all. We have to make a choice. No one can have it all.

Brothers Karamazov IX; Settling for less than ideal, or is it?

by Andrea Elizabeth

I am enjoying discussing Brothers Karamazov on this blog as it is a way to accompany input with output. Part of my frustration with reading books is that it is such a one-way street. Blogging about it helps it seem more like a conversation. Most bloggers I know have read it already, so I wont write the jarring spoiler alert warning. I’m trying to work on presenting things gently.

Here are Alyosha’s thoughts when he returns to the monastery after a traumatic day at his father’s house.

Why had the elder sent him “into the world”? Here was quiet, here was holiness, and there – confusion, and a darkness in which one immediately got lost and went astray… (p. 157)

I wrote elsewhere of my first extended stay at a monastery. I felt such overwhelming grace there, and I felt completely at home, even with the schedule of services, when usually I am not a morning person. It was very painful for me to leave. I cried all the way home on the airplane and for about a week after. I hurt my husband’s and my little girl’s feelings because I did not hide my tears or why I had them.

On going back into the world,

Lise is worried that Alyosha would not welcome the contents of her message:

“As soon as I read it [her note offering to be his fiancée], I thought at once that that was how everything would be, because as soon as the elder Zosima dies, I must immediately leave the monastery. Then I’ll finish my studies and pass the exam, and when the legal times comes, we’ll get married. I will love you. Though I haven’t had much time to think yet, I don’t think I could find a better wife than you, and the elder told me to get married… ” (p. 184)

Some people have indeed left their spouse and children to become monastics, but I believe this is mostly advised against. I certainly have not been given a blessing to do so either by my husband, Priest, or the Abbess at the monastery. Since that time three years ago, almost exactly, I have grown to appreciate my home and family more and to see that it is God’s will for me to be here, and thus it is best for me personally to be here. I still get impatient and frustrated, but that is because of my disordered passions, not because they aren’t living up to how I think life in a monastery would be. Part of my attraction to the monastery was that I would not be “the parent”, but that I would have one. For that reason I do not think that I would want to be an Abess, even if I were qualified.

May God grant nourishment, energy, peace, patience and rest to all of the Abbots, Abbesses, and parents out there.